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By BENNY GAMMERMAN
So the other day I had the pleasure of interviewing British actress and all-around gorgeous creature Gemma Arterton (Prince of Persia, Clash of the Titans, Quantum of Solace). Gemma was promoting her new (in the U.S.) film, The Disappearance of Alice Creed, a taught kidnapping thriller which I viewed the day prior. It was a 25 minute round-table press thingy – me and three other writers – so you could say I didn’t quite get every question in. But what little connection we had left both of us reeling at the possibilities of life, art, and love. The following is a record of the words and the emotion behind them…
TRANSCRIPTION
ME – (to self, snapping fingers at digital recorder) That’s working, right?
GEMMA – It must be the worst nightmare, honestly. If it were me, I wouldn’t trust the electric…
ME – Yeah, I used to have an analog like his, but my boss gave me this one and so far I’ve fared okay.
TRANSLATION
ME – I’m gonna act like I’m talking to myself in an attempt to get your attention.
GEMMA – Do you even know how to turn that on?
ME – Nope.
TRANSCRIPTION
ME – How long, uh, were you bound for before cameras started rolling, because I saw sometimes, or at least I thought I saw, like when they removed handcuffs or perhaps the ball-gag, there was like a slight impression, it seemed pretty real like, “Oh man, I don’t know how long she was in that.”
GEMMA – Well… the makeup artist…
ME – Ahh. Do they have those?
GEMMA – She was very clever.
TRANSLATION
ME – I’m a total pervert, frankly, and I watch altogether way too much reprehensible pornography. I’m extremely nervous and cannot figure out how to stop talking.
GEMMA – Is this your first junket?
ME – That obvious, eh?
GEMMA – That obvious.
TRANSCRIPTION
GEMMA – It’s mad that it’s been 15 years since Clueless came out.
ME – (makes a slight “omigod, has it really been 15 years?” face)
GEMMA – (laughs)
TRANSLATION
GEMMA – I adore you. The palpable combination of scant facial hair and diminutive life experience is, to me, the ultimate aphrodisiac.
ME – But darling, you’re married. It cannot be.
GEMMA – I don’t care that I’m far richer, more attractive and more capable than you, despite being younger. Take me now.
—
Unfortunately, that’s when the dude in the scarf came in and told us our time was up. Fare thee well, Gemma. I’ll see you on the press tour for Clash of the Persians 2: Solace Harder in 3-Derp.